


Finding the Words

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Lack of Communication, M/M, Non-explicit sex talk, Supportive Magnus Bane, talking it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 11:05:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19171993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: Some conversations are difficult but necessary.





	Finding the Words

Alec swallowed down a wave of annoyance when he heard the knock on his office door. He’d been in a foul mood since last night, and he didn’t feel like interacting with anyone. He’d been holed up in his office all morning with instructions he wasn’t to be disturbed.

His office door opened before he could answer. “All right, Alec. What’s going on?” Isabelle asked as she sauntered in and plopped down in the seat across from his desk.

“Nothing. I’m busy. What do you need?”

“Try again. You may think you’re being subtle, but I can feel you brooding all the way across the Institute. You’ve been like this all morning, so I’m guessing it has something to do with Magnus. Did you guys have a fight?”

“We’re fine,” he replied. He hoped his short answer would be enough to end this conversation.

“You know I can tell when something’s wrong. Why is it so hard for you to talk to me?” she asked,  sounding genuinely upset.

“Because not everything needs to be talked about,” Alec snapped. He immediately regretted his harsh tone when he saw Isabelle’s eyes widen.

“Fine, Alec. I’m sorry I bothered you,” she murmured.

“Wait,” he called before she could reach the door. “I’m sorry. It’s been a rough morning. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

Isabelle gave him a little smile and a shrug. “It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not.” He got up from his desk and walked over and wrapped her in hug. “You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to talk about it? It might help.”

“Magnus is upset with me,” Alec replied as he pulled away and went back to his seat behind his desk. “And no, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Wow. You usually tell me when you guys are at odds so this must be pretty big.”

“It’s not a big deal, at least not as big as Magnus is making it out to be.” At Izzy’s look of confusion, Alec decided he might as well tell her. It might help to get things off his chest. “It’s private. Magnus and I tried something new, and I didn’t really care for it.” He really hoped she would read between the lines because he didn’t feel like providing any more details.

“Well, since you’re not coming right out and saying it, this must be about sex. Alec, are you saying Magnus pressured you into doing something you didn’t want to do?” Izzy asked.

“No, of course not. He’s angry that I didn’t tell him that I didn’t like it.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

“What?”

“Seriously, Alec? You just let him think everything was fine, even though you weren’t enjoying it? Of course, he’d be upset.”

“I didn’t hate it, and he didn’t force me into anything. And if he likes it, then what’s the big deal?”

Izzy pressed her lips together and stared at Alec. “Suppose it was Jace and Clary. What if Jace did something Clary didn’t really like, but she didn’t tell him? Knowing how much Jace loves her, how do you think he would feel knowing that she didn’t enjoy something that was supposed to be intimate and special between them?”

“He would hate it,” Alec admitted.

“Maybe Magnus feels the same way. I can kind of see where you might think you’re doing it for him and that makes it all right, but I don’t think he’d want you doing stuff just to please him, especially if you don’t like it.”

“I didn’t hate it,” Alec muttered again. “I just prefer not to use them.”

“Ok, we’re both adults. What are we talking about here, Alec?”

Alec sighed and figured it couldn’t hurt to tell her. “We tried toys last night. It wasn’t bad or anything like that. I’d just rather not use them. Seemed impersonal.”

“Why didn’t you just tell him?”

Alec hesitated for a moment. “Magnus has had thousands of lovers.  I don’t want to deprive him just because I’m inexperienced or too plain.”

Izzy rolled her eyes. “Talk to him, Alec.  It’s not about what he’s done with other people but about what he wants to try with you. As a couple, you try things together to see what works for both of you. And then you compromise. You don’t just go through with it.”

Alec ran his hand over his face, sure that he was bright red at this point. He could usually tell Izzy anything, but some things were harder to discuss. His sex life and his insecurities were the most difficult for him, and he really didn’t feel better for having talked to her. Nor was he looking forward to having this talk with Magnus.

 

 

He didn’t plan on being late. As much as he was dreading this conversation, he didn’t go out of his way to avoid having it. It was just bad luck that the sensors went off before he could leave, and he’d spent the past five hours dealing with a horde of nasty water demons. He’d sent Magnus a text letting him know he’d be working late, but that was the last bit of communication they’d had.

He stepped into the darkened foyer and removed his weapons and boots. He could see a faint light coming from the living room area and assumed Magnus had already gone to bed. He didn’t like the idea that he’d probably wake Magnus as he got himself cleaned up, but he hadn’t liked the idea of staying at the Institute either.

He crept around the corner and saw Magnus sitting on the sofa, a book opened in his lap. “I didn’t think you’d still be up.”

“Obviously.”

Oh, Alec knew that tone. Terse and not a smidge of warmth.

“Yeah, the alert came in right when I was getting to leave,” he explained.

“Of course it would be too much… Alexander! What happened to you?” Magnus exclaimed once he’d turned to look at Alec.

“Warlock and Seelie working together to summon water demons. They got in a fight, and then lost control of the demons. Sorry about the slime on the carpet,” Alec apologized.

Magnus was on his feet and across the room, his hands hovering in front of Alec’s neck. “Are those tentacle marks?”

“Water demon,” Alec repeated. “I didn’t go back to the Institute because we need to talk.”

“We do,” Magnus agreed, “but that can wait until you’re all healed and cleaned up.”

Alec wasn’t sure he could wait that long. He wasn’t afraid of the outcome, but he hated when he and Magnus were at odds. He’d rather clear the air now.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, ok?”

Magnus rolled his eyes and then nodded towards the bedroom. “Bathroom.”

Alec followed his direction. His body ached. A hot shower and crawling into bed with his husband sounded ideal, and he was ready to get this conversation over. He stepped into the bathroom and started peeling off his clothes. “Magnus, I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.”

“Of course it’s a big deal,” Magnus said, following him into the small room. “Alexander, are those splinters?”

“Yeah. The warlock hit me with a magic blast and knocked me into a wooden railing.” Alec tried to look over his shoulder to see the damage, but it was too low.  “Once I get those out, an iratze should help.”

“Stay still,” Magnus fussed, placing his hands on Alec’s hips to stop him from twisting about. He reached past Alec into the medicine cabinet and grabbed the tweezers. “Did you fight any demons after this happened?”

“Uh, yeah. That’s how one managed to get me around the neck,” Alec said. He leaned forward onto the vanity as Magnus pushed against his shoulder.

“Don’t you have a parabatai?” Magnus grumbled, plucking the first splinter from his back.

Alec hissed at the sting of the wood being pulled free. That whole area felt raw, and as much as he appreciated Magnus’ help, he wasn’t looking forward to feeling the rest of the splinters being pulled free. “He was fighting the Seelie. Look, I kind of get why you’re upset, but isn’t it normal that we may not always enjoy the same thing?”

“These look infected with demon venom. I think some got in there when you were wrestling with the demon afterwards.”

Well, that explained why it hurt so much. “That’s possible.  It was very … slimy.”

“And yes, we’ll like different things. Alexander, I’m upset because you didn’t tell me you didn’t like what we were doing.”

Alec bit his lip against another painful pull. “Because I didn’t hate it. It’s just not my favorite.”

“Hmm, and if I preferred using toys every time as foreplay?” Magnus pressed.

Alec hesitated. He would do anything for Magnus, but he didn’t know if he wanted to do that every time they were intimate together. Apparently, his silence was enough for Magnus.

“I don’t want you lying to me.”

“I didn’t lie.”

“You hid your true feelings from me. How am I supposed to know when you’re being sincere?”

“What?” Alec turned to face Magnus and was surprised to see how upset he was. He no longer appeared angry but so very sad instead.

“What else have we done that you didn’t like? My magic?”

“No. Magnus, stop. There isn’t anything else. I love everything we do, especially when you use your magic.”

Magnus arched a brow, hinting that he didn’t believe him. He lifted his hand and motioned for Alec to turn back around.

“Wait, listen to me. I promise there isn’t anything else. I just … last night didn’t feel as good because I felt disconnected from you. And a little inadequate.”

“Alexander.”

His back and neck hurt like hell, and he was starting to realize that maybe Magnus had been right about having this conversation later. He knew they needed to talk this out, and he had hoped to do so without getting into an in-depth conversation that led to dissecting his insecurities. But he couldn’t let Magnus continue to doubt them just because he was feeling uncertain.

“I like your magic because it’s a part of you. With the toys, I felt like maybe you needed something extra to make our time together more enjoyable.” He had a hard time admitting that even though he and Magnus could usually talk about anything.

Magnus reached up and gently tilted Alec’s head back up, so they were looking at one another. “Love, I never meant to make you feel this way.”

“I know you didn’t, and that’s why I didn’t say anything. I want to please you, and if using some of the stuff we tried last night makes you happy….”

“It doesn’t, not if you’re not enjoying it. Alexander, I don’t need anything but you. I want to explore with you. The only thing I ask is that you’re honest with me.”

Alec nodded and hoped this was enough to get them back on the same page even though he was still concerned.

Magnus opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but he just motioned for Alec to turn back around. Alec knew at that moment that things were still unsettled between them.

Magnus continued working on the splinters, and Alec felt worse with each passing minute. He hadn’t realized how much his silence had affected his husband.

“You’re warm,” he said as he kept his gaze down towards the counter. “Your skin is so soft and warm when you’re pressed up against me, when you’re inside me.  The… um, vibrator is cold and hard.  I felt the sensations, but I missed your warmth.”

“Alexander.”

“Your mouth,” Alec continued, bringing his hand up and running his fingers across his nipple. “When you put your lips and tongue on me, I feel warmth and wetness. I feel you and not metal clamps.” He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and could see that he was flushed red. Alec wasn’t really shy, but in this moment, his embarrassment came more from admitting to his rather unremarkable preferences.

He felt a burst of panic and caught Magnus’ eye in the mirror when he heard a sniffle. “I’m sorry.”

Magnus placed the tweezers on the counter and placed his hands on Alec’s waist, nudging him around. “Please don’t ever apologize for loving me. And please don’t be afraid to share your feelings with me.  What you just said… Alexander, nobody has ever made me feel as cherished as you do.”

“I don’t want you holding back because of me.”

Magnus brought his hands up and placed his palms on Alec’s cheeks. “Darling, in no way am I unfulfilled. Our sex life is just another part of our lives that we’ll explore together.  Ok?”

Alec nodded. “Ok.” He believed Magnus, and he was relieved to be on the other side of this misunderstanding.

“Good. Now let’s finish up. Only 3 more to go,” Magnus declared picking up the tweezers again.

He made short work of the remaining splinters and healed the area before Alec could even think of reaching for his stele. “Better?” he asked.

“Much,” Alec said, “but I still feel kind of bad.”

“That’s to be expected. Rest will help. How about we get you into the shower, and then we’ll get some sleep?”

“Sounds perfect,” Alec said, more than ready to be in husband’s arms.

  
 


End file.
